The day it began...
Friday, September 3, 2004. A day that I'll never forget. I was fifteen...
It all started when my family and I were going to go to Phoenix, Arizona to visit my cousin who just had a baby. We were leaving as soon as my father got home. There were eight of us going so we decided to take a car that would fit all of us. My sister had just gotten her Ford Expedition back from the dealership after it had been recalled earlier that week so we were set. I was really excited to go. I remember wearing a baby blue shirt with blue jeans and baby blue suede vans. I also recall being the first person in the car. I sat all the way in the back on the left side. I was listening to music on the pink ipod mini that I had gotten as a birthday gift four months earlier from my sister. My nephew who was ten years old at the time sat next to me and next to him sat my father. In the middle row, my nephew who was fourteen at the time sat right in front of me, my grandma sat next to him and my aunt sat next to her. My sister was in the driver's seat and my mom was next to her in the passenger's seat. As we were off to begin our road trip, my father reminded my sister to drive slowly because it was labor day weekend and he did not want my sister to get a speeding ticket. Little did we know that a speeding ticket would've been the least of our worries...
It all started when my family and I were going to go to Phoenix, Arizona to visit my cousin who just had a baby. We were leaving as soon as my father got home. There were eight of us going so we decided to take a car that would fit all of us. My sister had just gotten her Ford Expedition back from the dealership after it had been recalled earlier that week so we were set. I was really excited to go. I remember wearing a baby blue shirt with blue jeans and baby blue suede vans. I also recall being the first person in the car. I sat all the way in the back on the left side. I was listening to music on the pink ipod mini that I had gotten as a birthday gift four months earlier from my sister. My nephew who was ten years old at the time sat next to me and next to him sat my father. In the middle row, my nephew who was fourteen at the time sat right in front of me, my grandma sat next to him and my aunt sat next to her. My sister was in the driver's seat and my mom was next to her in the passenger's seat. As we were off to begin our road trip, my father reminded my sister to drive slowly because it was labor day weekend and he did not want my sister to get a speeding ticket. Little did we know that a speeding ticket would've been the least of our worries...
A lesson in car flipping: training necessary for the car flipping Olympics.
"Cada vez que te busco te vas. Y cada vez que te llamo no estas. Es por eso que debo decir que tu solo en mis fotos estas..." by Juanes. The sunset was beautiful in the background of all the new houses we saw as we were riding along on the freeway. Everything seemed normal. My sister had my CD of Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits playing as we strolled along. Once the night had swallowed the beauty of the sunset, I had gotten hungry and decided to eat one of the many tortas that my mother had made for our trip. By then, a new CD was playing, it was Juanes' Un Día Normal. I put my pink ipod mini in a cup holder to my left near the window along with my nephew's Pokemon cards. Just as I was about to finish eating my torta, the Expedition did a weird jerking motion. It freaked me out but I didn't think much of it. Within the following minutes, my life would be changed forever. Track number nine (Fotografía) began playing. Then it began. The Expedition jerked again and I heard my mother yell, "Mija, Mija!" I was scared. I immediately closed my eyes and held onto the back of the seat in front of me. I felt the Expedition spin in a counterclockwise motion then we began to roll. I don't know how many times we rolled. Everything had gone black and I couldn't hear or see anything. I thought that my family was dead. I began to pray for them. There was only one problem though, I could only say the first line: "Our father who art in heaven." I then heard my mother's voice asking us the one's in the way back to respond to her to let her know that we were alive. I regained my sight and realized that i was touching the concrete with the entirety of my body's left side. I then heard, "Cada vez que te busco te vas. Y cada vez que te llamo no estas. Es por eso que debo decir que tu solo en mis fotos estas." The stupid CD had kept playing even though we had flipped! But it kept playing those words, as if it were stuck in time, just as I would be.
What just happened?... a separation.
I replied back to my mother to let her know that I was okay. I looked up and saw that my nephew had a bloody nose and that the cap of my father had blood on it too. I felt the need to escape. What I could tell was that the window to the left of me as well as the one behind me, had shattered. I immediately reached to my right to unbuckle the seat belt. I had to put my hands against the concrete full of glass in order to move and be able to escape through the back window. Once I got out, I reached in to get my nephew out. My father then unbuckled his seat belt and got out as well. While everybody was slowly making their way out, a police officer who had witnessed our accident was coming our way. Along with him were three men who were getting a citation from said officer. They would become our guardian angels. They helped get my grandmother and aunt out as soon as they got there. My sister who was stuck at the driver's seat because of the steering wheel, kept yelling for them to get her son out who needed extra help. As I was headed that way to see if I could help, I saw my nephew laid out against the concrete. I don't know how he got out but he did. One of the guys picked him up and used one of our luggage bags, which the officer was collecting, to seat him. He was okay. I then went to the back window which had become our safety exit and the first thing I see is my mother who looked like a wrestler or a UFC fighter. Her entire face was covered in blood and she was yelling out for someone to help my sister get out. The three guys went inside and helped my sister get out. Because of their bravery, the officer pardoned them of their citation. I will be forever grateful, for their self-less act of bravery. Who ever you are, thank you.
We were at the side of the road as more officers and the paramedics started to arrive. All the adrenaline pumping in my blood stream made me feel as if everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. We were bloody and scared. And my grandmother had the officers looking for her hearing aid as she furiously searched for her twenty dollars. Surprisingly, they found her hearing aid but she never found her twenty dollars. Once the paramedics arrived and checked us all out, they concluded that out of the eight of us, four needed to be transported to the closest emergency room for further examinations. I used my nephew's cell phone, which was the only one that survived, to call one of my sisters. I got her voice mail. I just wanted to hear a familiar voice. I then called my brother-in-law. I hadn't finished the sentence past "we had flipped over" when I heard him start his car. With the help of the paramedics, I gave him the address of where the four were going to be taken. I then called my other sister, who along with her husband immediately came to the rescue. I gave her the same information I gave my brother-in-law. I saw my grandmother, mother, father, and sister be put on flat boards. The last words I heard my sister speak to me before she was taken to the emergency room was, "Take care of my boys." I was scared. I was scared that this was the last time I would ever see them.
We were at the side of the road as more officers and the paramedics started to arrive. All the adrenaline pumping in my blood stream made me feel as if everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. We were bloody and scared. And my grandmother had the officers looking for her hearing aid as she furiously searched for her twenty dollars. Surprisingly, they found her hearing aid but she never found her twenty dollars. Once the paramedics arrived and checked us all out, they concluded that out of the eight of us, four needed to be transported to the closest emergency room for further examinations. I used my nephew's cell phone, which was the only one that survived, to call one of my sisters. I got her voice mail. I just wanted to hear a familiar voice. I then called my brother-in-law. I hadn't finished the sentence past "we had flipped over" when I heard him start his car. With the help of the paramedics, I gave him the address of where the four were going to be taken. I then called my other sister, who along with her husband immediately came to the rescue. I gave her the same information I gave my brother-in-law. I saw my grandmother, mother, father, and sister be put on flat boards. The last words I heard my sister speak to me before she was taken to the emergency room was, "Take care of my boys." I was scared. I was scared that this was the last time I would ever see them.
The lost children
"Señorita, ya me meo. ¡¡¡Señorita!!! Ya me meeeoooo. Señorita, ya me mie..."
My ten year old nephew got to ride in the cop car. The rest of us got to ride in the tow truck. I was scared. I didn't know where they were going to take us. They ended up dropping us off at a truck stop in front of the towing yard. The adrenaline had run out and the reality that I was alone with my two nephews and my aunt had set in. I'm glad my aunt had came with us. She knew by memory the phone number of my cousin's house who we had originally planned to visit. I used my nephew's phone again to call them. They couldn't believe what had happened. I gave the name and location of where we were and my cousin's husband left immediately to come for us. My aunt told me that I should go wash my hands since they were all bloody and it didn't help that my shirt was bloody as well. I went to the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands. Because my hands were full of blood, I expected my hands to be extremely cut up, but I had only minor cuts. As I was walking out of the bathroom and towards my nephew, a man saw our blood filled clothes and asked us what happened. I told him that we had had a car accident. He said, "This one time, I saw this guy in a car accident and his head was sliced right off." My nephews and I just stared in absolute fear. Upon seeing our facial expressions, the man said, "I was only joking...I'm sorry." It wasn't funny. I didn't know how the other four in the hospital were at that point. A short time after, my sister who I had couldn't get a hold of earlier; finally called back. I explained to her what happened and where we were. She then asked how our parents were, how our sister was, and how our grandmother was. I lied. I had to in order to protect my nephews who were listening to me and also to protect myself. I told her that they were fine, that they just had a little more cuts than we did. I told her that it was best that she stay where she was and to call my brother-in-law and sister for more updates. Time was passing slowly, and it felt like an eternity of being lost. I kept reassuring my nephews and my aunt that everything was going to be okay. What seemed like hours later, my cousin's husband found us. He said that he wasn't sure as to which truck station we were at and that he had stopped at several before arriving at that one. I was relieved but, I was still worried about those who were taken. He took us to his home. It would be my last night of sleep for a long time to come. It wasn't until I was home the next day that I found out what happened to the other four during our separation. Apparently, the boards were very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that my mother waived her rights and got off it as soon as they got to the small emergency room in the middle of nowhere. She wanted to go wash her face because the blood wasn't allowing her to see properly. Just like me, because of the amount of blood, she expected her face to have been cut up. It wasn't. She only had a small cut in the middle of her forehead. Mom has always been a bleeder. Regarding my father, they had seen that his pants were bloody and they cut up his pants. He looked like a scarecrow but according to my mother he looked like a man in a skirt. Till this day, she describes the flowing movement the cut pants made. My sister was the one who needed the most attention. A big chunk of her arm around her left elbow was missing. They washed up her wound and patched her up then sent her on her way. My grandma, being the obedient person that she is, did not move from the flat board in which she was taken in with. She was so obedient that even though she had the urge to pee, she didn't move. Instead, she called out, "Señorita, ya me meo (Miss, I really need to pee)." She called out again, " ¡¡¡Señorita!!! Ya me meeeoooo (Miss!!!! I really need to pee)." And finally she yelled out, "Señorita, ya me mie (Miss, I just peed)."
My ten year old nephew got to ride in the cop car. The rest of us got to ride in the tow truck. I was scared. I didn't know where they were going to take us. They ended up dropping us off at a truck stop in front of the towing yard. The adrenaline had run out and the reality that I was alone with my two nephews and my aunt had set in. I'm glad my aunt had came with us. She knew by memory the phone number of my cousin's house who we had originally planned to visit. I used my nephew's phone again to call them. They couldn't believe what had happened. I gave the name and location of where we were and my cousin's husband left immediately to come for us. My aunt told me that I should go wash my hands since they were all bloody and it didn't help that my shirt was bloody as well. I went to the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands. Because my hands were full of blood, I expected my hands to be extremely cut up, but I had only minor cuts. As I was walking out of the bathroom and towards my nephew, a man saw our blood filled clothes and asked us what happened. I told him that we had had a car accident. He said, "This one time, I saw this guy in a car accident and his head was sliced right off." My nephews and I just stared in absolute fear. Upon seeing our facial expressions, the man said, "I was only joking...I'm sorry." It wasn't funny. I didn't know how the other four in the hospital were at that point. A short time after, my sister who I had couldn't get a hold of earlier; finally called back. I explained to her what happened and where we were. She then asked how our parents were, how our sister was, and how our grandmother was. I lied. I had to in order to protect my nephews who were listening to me and also to protect myself. I told her that they were fine, that they just had a little more cuts than we did. I told her that it was best that she stay where she was and to call my brother-in-law and sister for more updates. Time was passing slowly, and it felt like an eternity of being lost. I kept reassuring my nephews and my aunt that everything was going to be okay. What seemed like hours later, my cousin's husband found us. He said that he wasn't sure as to which truck station we were at and that he had stopped at several before arriving at that one. I was relieved but, I was still worried about those who were taken. He took us to his home. It would be my last night of sleep for a long time to come. It wasn't until I was home the next day that I found out what happened to the other four during our separation. Apparently, the boards were very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that my mother waived her rights and got off it as soon as they got to the small emergency room in the middle of nowhere. She wanted to go wash her face because the blood wasn't allowing her to see properly. Just like me, because of the amount of blood, she expected her face to have been cut up. It wasn't. She only had a small cut in the middle of her forehead. Mom has always been a bleeder. Regarding my father, they had seen that his pants were bloody and they cut up his pants. He looked like a scarecrow but according to my mother he looked like a man in a skirt. Till this day, she describes the flowing movement the cut pants made. My sister was the one who needed the most attention. A big chunk of her arm around her left elbow was missing. They washed up her wound and patched her up then sent her on her way. My grandma, being the obedient person that she is, did not move from the flat board in which she was taken in with. She was so obedient that even though she had the urge to pee, she didn't move. Instead, she called out, "Señorita, ya me meo (Miss, I really need to pee)." She called out again, " ¡¡¡Señorita!!! Ya me meeeoooo (Miss!!!! I really need to pee)." And finally she yelled out, "Señorita, ya me mie (Miss, I just peed)."
A day later, eight months later, and seven years later
A day after our accident, I experienced my very first panic attack. I remember that my sister, whom I had instructed to stay at her apartment, decided to spend the night. We stayed up for a while just watching television and everything was fine. It was when I had gone into my room by myself that it happened. I had gone to lie down and as soon as I laid down, I couldn't breathe and I felt as if I was back in the Expedition flipping again. Once I returned back to reality, I still couldn't breathe and I got up to go near the window. I didn't know what was happening and I thought I was dying. I was terrified. Slowly I was able to regain my breath, but I couldn't stop shaking and the fear just kept increasing. I told my sister the next morning what had happened to me and she explained to me that I had experienced a panic attack. It was the first time I was introduced to that term. I would in the following months, experience panic attacks on a daily basis. People kept coming to visit in need to hear the story but I kept breaking down every time I heard it. My sister saw this and took me to her apartment in order to escape. For the next eight months, I would experience panic attacks on a daily basis. It had become a part of my life. Everyday I would wonder how many I would experience that day. During those eight months, I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I didn't feel like myself. I felt as if a dementor had sucked the life out of me and I had just become an empty shell. It got so bad that I wanted to take my life. I asked God many times to just kill me and release me of my misery. The only thing that kept me from taking my life was the thought of my parents finding me in my room. I couldn't do that to them. I would rather suffer than to see them in pain. As time went on it just kept getting worse. It got to a point where I was even getting panic attacks at school. I was afraid to leave my room because I didn't know if they would be triggered. Not to mention see or hear anything regarding the accident. The clothes I was wearing that day had to be thrown out because no matter how many times they were washed, I could still see the blood even though it wasn't actually there. My vans had to be thrown out too. Even after they were thoroughly cleaned, I could still feel the glass in them. It took several weeks for the feeling of glass on me to go away. My pink ipod mini was recovered the night of the accident and still worked if it was held at a certain angle. It was bloody as well and had to be thrown away also. It was the beginning of May when I first sought professional help. It worked for a while. I even got my driver's license. It was all happening really fast and then on my mother's birthday in December, a car hit me while driving. I was done. That was the second time I sought professional help. This time, I took baby steps. I would first sit in the car. Then after a few weeks of doing that, I would sit and then start the car. This continued until I was able to drive around the block. I felt like Ricky Bobby, driving slow and in circles while believing that I was "driving fast." Seven years later, I've been driving around everywhere on my own now for about six months. It was tough but I finally achieved that goal. I struggle on a daily basis to have my PTSD under control but having the support from my family and friends makes it easier to deal with. I think the biggest achievement for me has been writing this story. I had never been able to do it before, but after reading Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut and re-reading Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried has both enabled me to do so as well as motivate me to make this website. The next big goal that I'm currently working on is to be able to drive on the freeway in which we had our accident. I'm taking it one day at a time. By taking baby steps, I know that one day I will reach this goal and many more goals in the future. I know that my struggle with PTSD is a continuous one and one that will be with me for the rest of my life but I've learned to accept it and most importantly to accept and love myself.
"These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doin' okay
And this is the smile
I've never shown before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I, I must be sleeping"...
"And now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
And I can't forget that I'm not ashamed
To be the person that I am today"
-So Far Away by Staind